That's right, folks. Peaches, plums, and alfalfa. I'm posting a paper I wrote on this blog for all stay-at-home moms. This is really for Becca, since she's probably the only one who looks at my blog. I guess I should let the world know that I have the blog. Still, it's fun to talk with you, Becca, on this little site. So here's the paper. It's called a reversal paper.
“Letting Ourselves Go”: Becoming a Stay-At-Home Mom
She’s a stay-at-home mom. She once was a career woman, but she gave that all up. This is who she is now: a nosy neighbor, a soap watcher, an ice cream eater. She spends her time obsessing over her housecleaning, her children’s homework, and her plans for dinner. Who she is can be summed up into three words: frumpy, fat, fatigued. She is frumpy because she doesn’t have enough time to know that her clothes should be burned, they are so out of style. She is fat because she is constantly eating high caloric foods on the run. She is fatigued because she exhausts herself in taking care of her children. The woman has absolutely no time to herself.
Oprah, one of the strongest voices in daytime television, asked in a recent episode: “Have We Let Ourselves Go?” The question does not refer to the average couch potato American as one would expect, but specifically to stay-at-home moms. The show had four stay-at-home moms as guests expressing how they have lost their identities when they became mothers. They gave up their careers, their ambition, their bodies, and their dreams to become mothers. They became the frumpy, the fat, and the fatigued. Oprah, in her glittering diamond earrings, perfectly tailored dress, and fitness-trained, childfree body, instructs the women to “launch their own comeback.” Oprah sees these women as people who need a comeback because they lack the care she sees as essential. They do not take care of their bodies, they do not dress well, they do not invest time in themselves. They haven’t thought about their own needs for years.
Oprah paints the picture of the American stay-at-home mom as a lost soul, one who needs saving after sacrificing her ambition for her children. Although Oprah does provide helpful insights to her guests who have let motherhood overrun their lives, she doesn’t consider the impact her message has on her audience. By Oprah implying that her guests need serious counseling, the women who watch the show, mostly stay-at-home mothers themselves, will look at these women and say: “Do I need serious counseling too? Am I that lost?” She makes stay-at-home moms question their decision to remain with their children instead of pursuing a career.
For a woman to pursue her dreams, the media implies, she must not only have a family, but also have a career. Look at the women who are celebrities and moms. Kelly Ripa, the co-host of “Live! With Regis and Kelly,” not only has one job as a talk show host, but has recently started a new sitcom, in addition to being a mother of three. She and other celebrity moms make it look like juggling a career and motherhood is simple and always fulfilling. "I feel more enriched and compassionate toward others since having my son," says Elle McPherson. Celebrities don’t mention that they have a nanny to take care of their child when they are too busy to take care of them, or even when they just want a break. The moms from the Oprah show would love to pursue their own dreams, but unlike celebrity moms, they don’t have nannies at their beckon call. These messages given to women today are conflicting and unrealistic. A woman is expected to be super in motherhood and a career as well. This is unrealistic, because each requires most of your time and energy. The media suggests that you will feel the most whole when you do everything you want and are still a parent. It does not suggest there needs to be sacrifice of any kind. Amazon.com’s Mary Park describes the situation of mothers today:
Today's ideal mom makes June Cleaver seem like a layabout: she may work outside the home, but never too much, always looks at the world through her children's eyes, makes sure to buy only educational, age-appropriate toys, and includes a loving note with each hand-prepared lunch . . . Romanticized, commercialized, sensationalized, and demonized by turns, today's mothers are damned if they work and damned if they don't.
Women are befuddled over what they are supposed to do. As Park says, they are damned with whatever course they pursue. However, there are mothers who have succeeded in living a fulfilling, meaningful life while still remaining in the home. There are women who stay at home, but aren’t frumpy, fat, and fatigued. There are women who still have ambition and follow their dreams. There are women who don’t buy in to the things the world tells them about “having it all.” They work on the goals that are important to them while still being available to their children. In many ways, they become more effective mothers by keeping a strong sense of self. By showing their children that they, too, have goals, they are modeling what a well-adjusted person is.
. The point of staying at home is to be engaged with your children. One way that mothers can be engaged is by sharing with them the different interests they have. If you love reading, show them you love to read by being in a book group and by reading aloud to them. If you love drawing, draw and show them how to draw. Whatever you love, keep it up, and show them how to do it. My mom kept up singing and showed us how to sing. By seeing that my mother had interests outside of us, I learned how to have interests of my own.
Meet some women who have remained in the home and still have ambition. Meet Jessica Ashton. Jessica married Mike when she was 19 years old, finished college with a degree in English, and had Abby. When she was pregnant with Abby, she ran a marathon. Two years later, Jessica had Tyson. Now, she has a running double-stroller that carries the kids when she goes running. “It gives you an upper-body workout while also giving you a cardiovascular workout,” Jessica commented. Jessica also keeps her love for literature by being part of a book club. Jessica has maintained her dreams and sense of self while still being a stay-at-home mom. Meet Rebecca Snyder. Rebecca married Billy when she was 21 years old, finished her bachelor’s and master’s in social work, and had her son, Liam. She had Liam only 6 months ago, but has already dropped the baby weight and then some by training for a marathon with her 53-year-old mother. Rebecca and her husband have recently moved to Oregon from Utah. Rebecca has enjoyed making new friends and keeping in touch with her old friends by starting a blog. Like Jessica, Rebecca has remained in touch with her true self and has not become frumpy, fat, or fatigued by staying at home.
Like these women, I, too, am a stay-at-home mom. I have a degree in advertising, and I am finishing a degree in English teaching. I had my daughter, Dottie, only a few months ago. I must admit that I bought into some of the media portrayals of motherhood. I feared becoming frumpy, fat, and fatigued. My own mother sometimes wonders what could have happened with her vocal career if she hadn’t devoted her entire life to being a mother. However, she doesn’t really consider how that would have impacted us as children. Being a mother is a sacrifice, there is no question about it. However, you can still keep the core of your being by pursuing your interests.
Pursuing your dreams as a mom will be difficult unless you have some kind of a support group. I need my mom, I need my husband, I need my friends. I talk to my mom on the phone. I entreat my husband to take over when I need a break. I ask my friends to watch the baby when I want to go out. All of these people have saved me multiple times when I transitioned from carefree college student to new mother. Motherhood is not meant to be something that you do by yourself. You need other people to support you and uplift you so you don’t lose your identity.
When you become a mother, you are “letting yourself go,” but not in the negative sense that Oprah suggests. When you become a mother, you let go of all inhibition the first time you see your baby smile. You let go of the stress you may be feeling as soon as you take the time to play with your baby. You let go of your guarded heart and feelings and give all the love you can to this new little person. “Letting yourself go” is the only way to become a good parent. By letting yourself succumb to the sweetness of a new baby, you find parts of yourself that you may have forgotten as an adult. You remember who you truly are.