I had my fourth baby, Lena Shirley Hansen, on Thursday, June 12th, at 12:45 am. She's beautiful, sweet, and delicious. We like to nurse and cuddle together. She is my miracle baby. She is named for my Great-great-grandma, Lena Winkler Jorgensen, for whom I typed her personal history, and Joe's grandma, Shirley Hollstein. Both are great women. I was so worried about the pregnancy, birthing her and the aftermath of birthing her, but the Lord has truly blessed me. I know that her birth was a tender mercy from the Lord.
This pregnancy was surprising, but not unwanted. After my health crises over the past few years, I didn't know if it would be a good idea to ever get pregnant again. I only talked to one doctor about pregnancy, immediately after my spinal cord surgery. At this point, we weren't sure if I were going to need radiation treatments, chemo, or both. So, he simply told me, "I'd wait a few years." Then, with the aftermath of radiation when I was simply trying to survive, thoughts of another baby swiftly left my mind. It was hard enough to take care of myself, let alone another child. As I got better, especially at the end of last summer and the beginning of the fall, my prayers started to change from, "Please, Heavenly Father, let me be a mother to my children," to "Let me be a mother to my children, and perhaps have another child someday." This was a very faint prayer, with little faith, but a deep longing in my heart still clung to the hope of having another child, if not in this life, than perhaps in the life to come. My struggle to get better was still day-to-day, even though I was much stronger.
Imagine my surprise last October when I discovered I was pregnant. Fear filled my soul. I immediately ran upstairs to my room and poured my heart out in prayer to the Lord. I was comforted, and felt that this pregnancy would be a miracle and this child would be a blessing to me and others. Still, despite this spiritual reassurance, I knew that my body still had problems and that the pregnancy, let alone the birth, could cause me further problems. How was I to be a mother to my children if I became incapacitated somehow in the course of pregnancy? And to add to this, Joe was deploying in February. What if something terrible happened to me while he was gone?
So, I have tread carefully this pregnancy, not wanting to get my hopes up and be overly excited about having another baby. Just in case. But at the same time, I have not let myself be too filled with doubt and fear. I have remembered the initial answer to prayer, the comfort I felt that things would work out, and I have also recalled the priesthood blessings from my Bishop and husband that I would be blessed to deliver a healthy baby.
The Lord does not lie. Spiritual confirmations are real and true, and it is up to us to take that truth and believe it, and let that faith grow. Otherwise, we can take that confirmation, reject it, and let fear and doubt consume us. I am glad I decided to trust in the Lord. It has made all the difference. I was strengthened throughout the pregnancy, and to care for my children while Joe has been away. This is something I could not do on my own. Despite my physical problems, the Lord helped me to do what I have need to do.
Now for the birth of Lena. Wednesday was a busy day. I sang in the morning at a funeral for a sister in our ward who had passed away. On the way home, I had a few contractions. I told my mom, but this had been happening throughout the week. No big deal. Then, I went to a farmer's market and the grocery store. Contractions the entire time I was shopping, until I sat down to drive home. I put away the groceries, made dinner. Contractions again, which stopped when I sat to eat dinner. See? This is my pattern every pregnancy: there is no pattern. I read stories to the kids, put them to bed, sat down to watch TV with my dad. The contractions continued while I was sitting, but they were sporadic: 10 min, 3 min, 7 min. By this time, I was tired. I told my mom, "I don't want to be in labor all night long, so I think I'm going to try to sleep and make the contractions stop." I tried. They kept coming. I talked to my friend, Amanda, who's in Japan, on the phone, trying to concentrate on our conversation, but having to stop for a contraction. She finally said, "I think you should call the midwife." I did. It was 10:30. I woke up that poor midwife, who I don't think really thought I was in labor either. She asked if I was coming in, I said, "I don't know." After all, there was no rhythm to the contractions. She told me to call her back if I decided to come in. I called her back at 11:30. I still wasn't sure that was the right call, because I hate being strapped to monitors at the hospital, and I knew that's what they would do when I got there.
I'm glad I went when I did. The hospital is a half hour away. While my mom was driving that short distance, the contractions went from 5 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart, to 2 minutes apart. I was having flashbacks to my birth with Ruby, where I was writhing in the car, in transition, while Joe rushed to the hospital.
Your mind starts to do crazy things right before a baby is born. Everything slows down as the pain consumes you. Somehow, this time, I was blessed with presence of mind. In between contractions, I was actually able to verbalize what I wanted, and what I didn't want. I was able to be my own advocate, which made all the difference in this miraculous delivery.
I was admitted at 12:15 into triage. The nurse got out the monitors. I felt uncontrollable rage at her, that she was going to make me lie down for a half hour and "listen." I think I appear to be very calm in labor, so people don't really realize that I am about ready to give birth. This has been the case in the last 2 deliveries. Anyway, I convinced her to let me lie on my side, not back. Just before the monitor was put on, I had a mother contraction. I could feel Lena crowning. I said, calmly, "Can you check me?" She said, "Okay." Then her face filled with shock: "There's no cervix!" "What do you mean there's no cervix?" "You are fully dilated!" She ran out of the room, leaving me to wonder if my mother would have to be the one to catch the baby. She came back with the midwife and 2 other nurses. She still insisted on listening to one contraction. I obliged, gripping the side of the bed as I writhed in pain. After that contraction, I insisted, "I need to stand up." The midwife, who is my favorite midwife, by the way, said, "You can do whatever you want!" She grabbed a blue pad, put it under my feet. She then raised the bed and told me to lean into the bed as the contractions came. I did, squatting as I did so. I did this twice, hardly pushing, and out came Lena! In the water sac!
I was so shocked how easy the birth was, and that I actually delivered this baby with no trauma to myself and my baby. I didn't tear at all. I climbed back onto the bed, they handed me Lena, cord still attached, covered in vernix and blood, and she nursed for an hour. My mom cut the cord. It was the most natural, sacred thing I have ever experienced. I still think back and am in awe of how this all happened. All I can say is, it was the Lord's will, and if something is the Lord's will, it will work out.