Carrie, I love you

 Well; here we go. What has happened in nearly a month? I'm still going therapy (for the hand), Amanda has come and gone, and my Carrie's here for a few more weeks. I'm supposedly starting radiation on the 29th, although I have yet to schedule it. I have a mask made for the radiation that covers my entire face down to my chest. I even got a small tattoo (really small; a pen dot) to help the mask be put into place properly. 

Typing and piano are still pretty poor/annoying. But it's good therapy for me to do, so I'm doing it. I am not complaining; it has gotten better.  It's just still a challenge.

I have actually been doing really well. I am starting to drive again, although my longevity isn't great. 20 minutes is about all I can handle. While Amanda was here, I got pretty proficient at making dinner.  

Until the fateful night I sliced off a chunk of my thumb on my "helpful" kitchen tool, the mandolin slicer.  Let me tell you, if you're ever having a personal crisis, Amanda is great to have around. She had such a cool head while I was sobbing, "I can't believe I did it to my good hand!" 

So. My husband got out of the father/son's campout, and took  me to the urgent care. My hand therapist was actually a little pleased that I was now mostly dependent on my right hand. It actually did help to have that handicap. The wound is now a scab. I was going to take a picture but didn't want to gross you out.

Anyway. The pictures:

My only proof that Amanda was here.  This is her son, Sawyer, future spouse of Ruby. They already have so much in common; they love to read!

 This is us with Carrie at the Japanese Gardens.

 And here begins my ode to Ruby She loves her belly button:

 And she loves taking out her hair tie, all the time. I've pretty much given up.
If she wants bangs in her eyes, so be it. Elliot took all of these photos:

 He also took this one of Carrie:

That's all I've got. Wish me luck with radiation!

What's Been Goin' On

Hi. I'm still alive. Typing is still quite the challenge.My fingers in my right hand don't want to work independently. I tried a speech recognition program, but every time I said "phone," "home," or "fun," it would take me to the home page on my browser, deleting everything I had just said. I guess that's a sign I should train myself, as painstaking as it may be, to type again. I need to do the same with the piano. So, if you've been trying to chat with me on the computer, and I've been ignoring you, this is why. Call me instead.

Woo.I need to start being more concise. My mom left over a week ago, Amanda's here, my BFF's are coming for a few days, and Carrie's coming until the beginning of June.I am still in physical and occupational therapy for one more week. Mid-May, I start radiation treatments to hopefully zap what's left of the tumor. That'll be 5 times a week for 5.5 weeks. Joe has the first two weeks of June off, so that leaves about a week and a half where it will be slightly hairy. Luckily, I have good friends here who are more than willing to help and take care of me and my family.

Yeah, pretty intense. What else can you say about radiation? The side effects sound minimal, although there is a chance for more neurological problems. But I don't think that'll happen. 

I will say this about my experiences this month.
This may very well be the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Yet, I feel so blessed. I daily record in my journal the miracles that have occurred in my life. I am amazed at my body and how quickly it can heal. I am so grateful for the capacity I have to take care of my children, since I couldn't for a time and still can't do everything. I feel so blessed to be where I am right now, to have the help I've had. Thank you, my friends, even though most of you don't read my blog. And thank you, Mom and Dad. I still cry when I think about all you have done for me; I don't know what I would do without you. This life is precious. You may think you know that, but for me it took a rather intense trial to realize what I have.

Sorry no pictures. I can't help it. Someday I'll start taking pictures again.

Charlotte update

My mom is writing in my behalf since my right hand doesn't work yet. My surgery on March 19 was 7 hours long, and the surgeon removed 80-90% of the astrocytoma tumor. When I woke up, most of my body felt numb, but I could move my arms and legs. I was in the ICU for 4 days, moved briefly to the main floor of the hospital, and then was in a rehabilitation center for 2 weeks. The therapists at the rehab center were really good. My walking is mostly stable now. My left hand is fully functioning, and my right hand able to do at least gross motor skills, but the fine motor skills are still a challenge. Every day gets a little better, so I'm encouraged by that. I started out patient therapy today, which was mostly an assessment of where I am and what needs I have yet to accomplish. We will be going there for the next month 3x a week. I am glad to be home. It's good to be back with my family and in my own bed. I'm thankful for all the help and support I've had from friends and family. My friend Anya watched the kids most days that I was in rehab so that my mom could be with me. Several people have brought meals, taken the kids, and even have given us money. The support I have had throughout this ordeal has been amazing. My kids are doing mostly well. Ruby has her moments of anger towards me because I had to wean her 2 weeks before surgery, she quit sucking her thumb, and then she was without her mother for 3 weeks, in addition to the 4 molars which just broke through. I can't lift her right now, which makes it hard to bond again. I also can't do much around the house which makes me feel a little useless, but luckily, my mom's here. I'll have help until the middle of May, so hopefully, I'll be adjusted to life by then. I still feel positive about things, and feel I will make a full recovery, although it might take some time.

Dottie at her First Grade spring program.

Ruby and I at the rehab center.

Easter.

Week of Joy

It's been a great week. These really aren't in order.

From the Pretty Princess Party (where boys were invited, and embraced their inner princes):

We Three Kings

Talk about patience in waiting to smack the pinata. And that wasn't even all of the kids there!

Making bracelets from "buried treasure"

I never go all out for parties. With the exception of the Halloween party this year. But I had to take pictures of my hard work.
And the Pretty Princess herself.

The USS Lexington:

We started the beach trip with a 45-minute tantrum:
Which ended when Elliot decided to help Daddy build a sand castle:
Handsome boy at the beach. His mood changes so fast still:

Sisters:

Trepidation in the water:

Embracing the sand:

And I also had Book Club this week, where I led the discussion on Peace Like a River (such a great book), a surprise party for a friend, and cleaning the house today because my mom comes tonight (okay, cleaning the house isn't really part of the week of joy. But you have to clean sometimes). Wish me luck on Monday. No, don't just wish me luck. Pray for me. Hard.

When Sailing O'er Life's Tempestuous Seas

It's been a strange week. It's been a shocking week. It's been a long week. I don't really know how to start this.

I've been having pain in my left leg for about 4.5 years. That's a long time, right? You're probably thinking to yourself,"Why haven't you done anything?" Well, first of all, I have tried. I went to physical therapy at the beginning of my pregnancy with Ruby. It did nothing, except make me feel more sore. Second of all, it's not debilitating. It feels like permanently sore muscles, from my calf muscle to my lower back. And because it started when I was pregnant with Elliot, myself and every doctor I have had has assumed it was sciatica. Well, my pregnancy with Ruby was quite uncomfortable. I don't know what's considered normal pregnancy discomfort, but the thought of going through another pregnancy with my current aches and pains really motivated me to get this thing taken care of, once and for all.

Over the past several months, I started to notice slightly worse symptoms. I feel now like I have arthritis in my left arm. I'm not as strong. It's really hard to open a jar of spaghetti sauce. Lifting weights makes me feel worse. Any kind of exercise makes me feel worse. Plus, my leg muscles feel more sore, down to my toes. My arches have started hurting significantly. I also have insomnia bouts.

So, in August, I start to explore my health. I get a good doctor. She finds I have hypothyroidism, which has nothing to do with my other symptoms, but it is something. She starts running tests: an MRI of my hip, an x-ray of my hips, neurology tests on the nerves in my leg. Nothing is found.

So, I went back to her last month, frustrated that I still feel like crap and would like to feel better. I'm not even 30 yet. I shouldn't be feeling like my body is ancient. She decides to do a brain MRI and an x-ray of my ankle. I got both last Monday.

After I got home from these tests, I immediately received two voicemails from two different doctors, telling me I need to come in immediately to the MRI dept. I find a sitter for my kids, and Joe and I go. The whole time we're driving in the car, I'm feeling panicked. Am I dying? Do I have a brain tumor?
When I get there, the radiologist informs me that there appears to be a cyst at the top of my spinal cord, below my brain stem (in my neck). They want to run more tests to see if there is anything else, like a tumor that could be causing the cyst. So I get MRIs for over 1.5 hours. Talk about torture. If you're ever going to get an MRI for that long, particularly a brain one, ask them to knock you out.

My doctor calls me on Tuesday, tells me that I have an "ependymoma." I don't really know what this means, I look it up, it appears to be a tumor or some kind of clump of cells. She tells me it will have to be removed. I get a call for an appointment with a neurosurgeon on Wednesday.

The neurosurgeon explains the gravity of the situation to me. The tumor, which may or may not be an ependymoma, is inside my spinal cord. This is what's been causing me my years of discomfort. It is 4 cm long (1.5 in). It is most likely benign. It needs to be removed, or with growth, I could end up paralyzed.

The operation itself is very risky. My spinal cord needs to be cut open.The tumor will be removed, and then a biopsy will be performed. The doctor wouldn't/couldn't really predict how long of a recovery I will have. He said best case scenario I will be in the hospital 4-7 days. But that leaves out how long it will take for me to be a normal functioning mother again. I'm thinking it will probably be at least a month. And there may be other treatments and occupational therapy I will have to go through. There are also other scary things that could happen during the procedure, one of them being paralysis.

So. There it is. I've had a few priesthood blessings throughout this process. I have felt a lot of comfort. I trust in the Lord, and I know that I will be healed. I have been blessed that I will have a long and full life. I believe that. I believe I will be able to take care of my children again and be a functional person again. I don't know how long it will be, but I know it will happen, because I have been promised that.

I'm sorry if I haven't called some of you yet and talked to you in person. I felt very overwhelmed on Wednesday and Thursday. I've also felt strongly that I need to spend more time with my family before the surgery. I've stopped teaching piano so I can play with my kids more. We're planning a few fun things in the next few weeks. Thank goodness next week is Dottie's spring break!

The hardest part for me is knowing that I won't be able to take care of my children. I have been blessed with a lot of people reaching out to help, including friends and family that will stay with me for at least month. But knowing I won't be able to hold them and pick them up is hard. I've had to start weening Ruby. I'm pretty sure she hates me right now because she's not ready, and neither am I. But at least she's old enough now that she doesn't need breast milk.

Elliot and I have started taking naps together in the afternoon. I've been so keyed up that I wake up at 5 am and then can't settle down. I've even whipped out the body pillow again so me and my boy can cuddle in the funnel of love.

Dottie has taken up an interest in prayer lately, which is comforting. I have a pack-n-play permanently set up in my room for my friend, Anya's, son. Dottie has said this is her "prayer place." She put a blanket over the top, climbs in, kneels down, and prays. Love that crazy girl.

I'll have Joe keep you posted about things. You can email me or Joe if you want to talk to us about this. The surgery is March 19th.

E and C come to visit

Sorry I've been so bad about blogging. Really. I need to at least mark the times when our family makes it out to TX to visit us.

But first, Cherry Berries on a Cloud:

It was made with fresh strawberries this time because strawberries were only $1.85 at the commissary. I know! And in the winter!

Then, Emily, my older sister came, with her husband, Craig, and son, Ryan. It was a magical time. We visited the Children's Museum, which we have never visited before. Dottie was in school, so we ended up buying a pass so we could take her later. Rubaloo, Elliot, and Ryan had a blast:

Someone liked checking out at the grocery store a little too much...

Then, we went to Sea World.

Look carefully at these two pictures (above and below). What person remains the same, what people have changed?

Elliot went ballistic on the ferris wheel and had to be taken off. So Dottie joined Emily and Ryan's cart.

The men being boys. Look closely for Joe and Craig. Can you believe they went on a flume ride when it was only in the 50s?

And for mom, we got a shot of all the grandkids together. Well, all the current grandkids. We'll see yours soon, Kelly!

Love you, Em and Craig! It was so much fun! Just like the good ol' days in the Springs!